betr....

Be honest

Blue Moon Gone

The little blue moon that used to shine dimly through our lonely nights will no longer be there. All the images, doors, objects, chairs, bottles and cigarette pockets will be gone forever to an eternity full of emptiness where no you and me exists. I surrender and hand over the keys trying to create new images that are already fading before even entering my disturbed mind.

Deceit is the word now. Love with its bright light of caring and attention has been divided into unimportant casual pieces of concern and kindness which are shown through shy kisses and uneasy touching hands.

I feel dizzy and am just about to hurl the tipsy dreams that move over my head and make me sick.

Conversations full of sarcastic words, jeering looks, hidden sneers are ruling the time and yet we prefer not to see them.

Denial, ignorance: our keys to peace. Relax and see how our now-glassy world will shatter soon after.

Dream 2

I dream again.

You’re not there. I know all the faces that I see. Dad comes, holding kitty’s hand. There’s a big black dog following them. It barks. I cry: “Just hurry dad!” and he’s still slow. The door opens, kitty is in and then daddy. Now we’re all in the car. I breathe. We’re safe but still the alley is too quiet and scary.

It has become a routine. When you are not there dad is always in sight. You’re not to take his place but it seems to me that he does try to do so.

We always want to talk but the only conversation is between the locked pairs of arms with the dazzling voice of panting and moaning. I am tired of carrying this candle wherever I go and you don’t stretch your hand to take it. I am about to drop the candle and kill the light; we have to stop wounding ourselves.

Talk to me…

Mixed

The night falls and snow seems too far to reach me. The dim moonlight keeps whispering and the shadows stop moving for a while. Summer rises all my dreams again and I start to curl on the small cot. I close my eyes and open them again to see some image that was long absent in my mind.

Mom keeps calling me and she is unable to find me. I am not hiding. So come, find me mom… I’m waiting…

Five minutes and he is there. I’m a woman in a long gown and in full bloom. I sweat, I pant and I run away.

She’s still calling me; where are you mom? I’m here, come find me and take me out for an Italian ice-cream with much cherry…

There’s a grey corridor back there and a locked gate at the front. I’m lost. My bag is empty of all lipsticks, chocolates, tissues and cigarettes. I still hear my mom’s voice, as if young again, carrying cherries and green apples: “Get me out mom, will you?”

She screams and I almost feel her hand grasp my little fragile body.

I dive.

I drown.

And I rise…

Dream

Come,

Sleep,

And dream with me…

Dreams may come and go, birds for sure will sing, all plants will bloom and yet the eyes of the sardine are staring at some invisible point in the remote horizon, not believing that the lake has long been dried out.

I, with my muddy shoes walk along the freeways with many images along and the voice of a friend echoing in my head. Call me and smile though I will still be bitter as my nightmares make me be. You know it too that pushing you away is much too hard…

I toss, I turn, and wrinkle the soft bleach smelling bed sheet and I wake then to find you not there with me no more. I rise, I call, and I search to see that all the rooms are empty. Then I lock the door and get back to my clumsiness under my burning locks of hair and unspoken cigarettes.

I wake up,

Again,

And you’re gone.

Daily

Life is so daily now. It seems to me that all this time I've been running around, looking for something and not getting anywhere. But now I am tired, and I won't run no more. Now baffled and almost done at the very beginning, I am standing here. panting, with much tears in my eyes that will never go. Sometimes I come to think that to die so young is a blessing in disguise...

She told me that always before good, a lot of bad happens. Yet I think that this is not a lot of bad, this is too much bad and I am not tolerating it no more.

Every time and everywhere I figure it out again. I don't know why I keep on struggling...

Lost

LOST
...

Bernard's Watch

I wanna stop the world and then stay with you, loving you with too much relief...

On fire

I light a cigarette and in my throat something is waiting for the tobacco fog to come and cover the writhing dragon.
I feel like I am being used up and yet some passions are alive in my mind. My thoughts were never fully se*-oriented but now that I think I see that there are times when I too long for a tight warm body to hold in my arms and squeeze and feel my own body melt and pour down in it, I too sometimes feel this unnamed joyful excitement run through my flesh and veins, I too have all these feelings and yet when I find myself down on earth I realize that I am still unwilling to have natural pieces of feelings then again sorrow comes and again I regret over what is not regrettable.


Life is all contradictions and my life is no exception. If I don't think about them I do not see them quite well but then I will start hating myself for not thinking as much as I should. The feeling circulates and keeps coming back.


I close my mouth,
light another cigarette...

...

I used to cry like crazy when desperate, and I still do and hell it does cause more pain...

NoNe

I'm done now,
and already starting once more...

After all the love making, kissing and cuddling there are times that I still feel lonely, empty and then the flame is there again, playing with my eyes and whatever I see and all the words I ever knew are gone and I am left behind all the minutes I've passed... It's belittling but my spent time seems to play with me and I am desperately left with no way out. I am not moving forward and crying my eyes out does no good.

When you are a kid you're other people's toy, they hold you, take you, kiss you, play with you, and then one day once you're big you just figure out that you're still the same thing... this time not charming, they hold you, take you, kiss you, rape you and then spit you out of their fancy lives' mouth...

Lets begone ...
Am done.